How on earth can I write about today?
Perhaps I can start with yesterday. Seems to make the most sense.
I had yet to get my medications made up. Partly because I’m in denial, partly because I was worried about cost of the medications, and finally, I’m on the last two week wait. I’m due on Thursday, so I thought I’d have some time on Tuesday to do so.
However, last night I started cramping, and again this morning. Monday is a public holiday here, and I really needed to have the meds sorted in case my period came full flow tomorrow, especially given the doctors’ office will be closed.
I thought, maybe I should do a pregnancy test this morning, but when I went to check my stash of pregnancy tests there was only one very expensive one left. And I thought what is the point in using that one, given it’s going to be negative. In fact I’ve been pretty slack with my pregnancy vitamins and aspirin this month. Slacker than usual in fact.
So this afternoon, the family headed to the pharmacy for moral support. I dropped off my scripts and they asked me to return in 15 minutes. I thought, “well I should take a pregnancy test now, as it’s my last chance”. So I bought two at the supermarket nearby and headed for the shopping centre toilets.
There wasn’t much wee there, because I’d been going all day to check.
So I peed on a stick in a dingy little toilet, then watched incredulously, as this happened…
So what to think of that?
I showed my partner, and he said “well it’s very faint”, which it is (I’ve had to colour enhance it to make it easier for you to see) but I’m due in four days. So this is a four-day-prior-to-my-period test.. and I’ve tested way closer to my period before and got nothing. When I miscarried I would test positive in urine, even with fairly low blood beta HCG concentrations (can’t remember numbers though).
I showed the pharmacist. She said “It could be”. I started to shake, no I continued to shake. We discussed the medication. She will keep most of it at the pharmacy with my name on it in her cold storage (it cannot be returned once it leaves her fridge, as she cannot be sure I keep it cold), but she released the Gonal-F to me in case my period comes tomorrow. I said, “I only need one day”. She said “It’s the same price for 5 as it is for 1.. it’s $37.” That’s $37 total for five 900 iu shots.
So I have these sitting in my fridge.
But I simply have to wait.
Symptoms: all the usual. In that I could be pregnant (skin is neither good nor bad, have some reflux, cramping) or not pregnant (see previous symptoms).
It’s either the cruelest joke that can ever be played on an infertile, or I’m actually pregnant naturally… finally at the very very last minute (IVF stimulation due to start THURSDAY). Of course this will avoid IVF, which I’ve been delaying and dreading, as I’ve been hoping to fall pregnant naturally, but it doesn’t mean this multiple miscarriage girl is out of the woods, far from it.
Tune in for more frantic dashes to the toilet to check, and more peeing on sticks as the days progress.